11.04.2010 | By: Morgan

My 1st November 4th (Part 2)

I am so grateful for his year in dialysis. It wasn't until that I really spent time with him. Before that I was at church almost every night of the week, my friends were just more important than staying home with boring old dad. Don't get me wrong, I loved him very much, but he seriously LOVED his T.V. and I would rather be hanging out. August 16th 2008 really woke me up. My other best friend, Hannah, was spending the night after a bonfire and we were woken up to my dad being transported in an ambulance. I thought that might be the day. My head raced for the date, I REALLY didn't want it to be an important date because I really didn't want a "bad or good" day to be the day I'd always have to remember. 

During the next year, I was going through some issues of my own, and considering getting deeper with Nathan   and my dad's advice always fixed whatever I was going through. I would climb up into the hospital bed we had for him at the house and we talk for hours. I would hold his hand, lay my head on his chest and he would tell me stories, give me advice, and listen. As a kid, there is just something about your dad's hands. Strong, beat-up, nails touch as steal. I loved those hands. Each bruise, every scar, how tough and calloused they were. I loved just holding them.

 I learned so much about this man in that time. We became best friends. Or while driving to CDC in Mentor for his treatments, he was so cute in his winter hat! I was SOOOO terrified at his driving, as was most of my family, but we all new what a great step this was for him. Strong, bold, and independent, he had spent every moment of his life providing for his loved ones. From the time he dropped out of school in the 9th grade till the last year when he wasn't allowed to work anymore, he had labored for our benefit. After having everything being done by other people, getting to drive again gave him something back. 

I am so grateful for the time Nathan and my dad did have together. He asked my dad's permission to date and marry me, which my father REALLY liked. One of my favorite memories was on September 6th, 2009 after making dinner for my mom and dad, Nathan and I sat down to talk with my parents so he could ask "the big question." The conversation that ensued was one of the best of my life. I could not have planned a better moment, so I'm glad Jesus did it for me. I wouldn't want my dad to be in the pain he was in ever again, but I wanted, I wished, I longed so bad for him to be at my wedding. Having it on his birthday meant so much to me; I am SO grateful it worked out. 
Living life without now is still hard. I'm sad over the things I can't have him hear for: seeing our new house, eating my cooking (He would LOVE that! Man, he was proud of me for making a grilled cheese at 18!) and seeing my kids someday. But I think the hardest part is when I face a problem. His word was worth more than gold to me. Even if it seemed completely off, I locked it in my heart. Today, when things arise, I want so badly to talk to him about it. Or sing a hymn with him. We had a lot of fun doing that his last year, too. Just A Little Talk with Jesus was our favorite one. We would go through and pick our favorites and he would tell me how he remembers his mom singing them all the time: in the kitchen, in the yard, or while he was falling asleep. I hope I am that for my own kids oneday.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Nathan here with me now. Holding his hand makes everything better for me. While we were dating, we were at a house with a group of friends and when he saw a text on my phone about my dad not doing well, he asked them to stop so we could pray. Holding his hand in the circle that night I knew this was the hand that I wanted to hold for the rest of my life. I meant it when I said "my hand to hold" in my vows. And his hand to this day makes my lesses any of the pain I'm going through. 

More than anything, I am thankful for my Savior. When He is near all is well, and when He is far, nothing goes right. I'm thankful for the father he gave me. I'm thankful for the husband He's given me. And I'm thankful for Him. I know what those "old guys" from the 17th and 18th century are talking about when they say that communion with Him is better than life, that it is the sweetest thing known to man. He's my best friend, my comforter and my heart's desire. And while one day He may take Nathan from me too, it'll be His hand, His nailed-scared hand that I'll hold on to.

So while I was dreading this day months ago, I'm ok today. Over the past 3 months it's really begun to set it on awesome and glorious it is that my dad is with Jesus right now. With his family and loved ones, and soon, we'll all be there with Him. So while it may seem our loved ones get "ripped away" from us, we are promised that in His family, we will see them again. What a Saviour! What a Savior!

So until then, dad I miss you, and I love you, but I'm goin' off memories of you and I can't wait to see you again. It's not forever, it's only . . . for now.

Morgan }|{ "Look at Jesus only."

2 comments:

littleone84 said...

Morgan - This was awesome! It's a window to your heart, inspiring, and heart breaking! Love you! Shari :)

nikki said...

you said exactly how we felt yesturday and it's crazy how he was a big part of all of us and different for all of us and i will always remember and love him. love you morgan always!!!!

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