My 1st November 4th (Part 1)

Looking back, it's weird that this date meant nothing to me in all of my life until last year: the day my dad passed away. That was one of the hardest days of my life. The days follow fall into the same category. He had stroke two days before and he wasn't doing well. His whole right side was paralyzed and couldn't talk. The last thing he ever said to me was the night before when he asked me to make him some popcorn. (Man did he love his popcorn! So I like to think of myself as The Popcorn Maker sometimes when I'm really sad). I remember visiting him the night before he passed and holding his left hand. I will never forget how he rubbed his thumb over my engagement ring the entire time. I am so thankful for that moment because even though he had given Nathan permission to marry me, it felt like in that moment, he was showing me that it was time to let go: That Nathan how had to be the most important man in my life. That transition was precious, but I had no idea that the very next morning he would leave us.


I know that might be hard to believe, but no matter how bad it looked, I never accepted that "this might be it." He had numerous health concerns for most of my life. Loosing him was the biggest fear of my life but each time, he pulled through; God gave us more time. That day, the day that he left, I was driving to the library with my best friend Grace and my little sister Casey. Getting that phone call on Ford rd, shook my entire reality. I ran back home to let my cousins Nikki and Paul know about it and then flew to TriPoint.


When I got there most of my family was gathered around him crying. My mom stepped aside so I could say my goodbye. I remember hugging him with all I had in me while trying at the same time to not brake him: he looked more like a fragile shell than a human being. The look in his crystal blue eyes saying "don't cry for me, 'my sweetie' (as he used to call me), I'm going home. Don't cry." That was the 1st time my heart broke that day.

The second time was when Danae came in the room. Rushing she fell to his bed side weeping "no, no, no, no." The next moments I remember where hugging my aunt Dixie and cousin Shayla. Then my mom and Danae. Everyone was crying. I pulled out my Bible and read from Isaiah 57: 


¹ The righteous perish, 
   and no one takes it to heart; 
the devout are taken away, 
   and no one understands 
that the righteous are taken away 
   to be spared from evil. 
² Those who walk uprightly 
   enter into peace; 
   they find rest as they lie in death. 

The time after seemed to go in slow motion. Nathan was on his way up but living in Kent meant it was going to take a while. The next thing I remember was my best friend's mom, Mrs. Nash, coming in the room. That women has a peace and strength to her that I can't say I've seen in anyone else. Seeing her cry for my dad and the hug she gave me was one of the most comforting moments of that day.

Soon after, it was all over. He took his last breath and then he was gone. I was filled with remorse seeing him there lifeless. While at the same time overtaken with rage at the monitor displaying a straight line and blinking "NO SIGNAL" or "NO 'something'". I wanted to brake it, destroy it. But I had to turn my attention to Casey, she was about to live the nightmare I had always feared: growing up without my Dad. I wanted to be strong for her.

My dad and Casey -->

It was almost impossible when my heart broke for the 3rd time that day. Seeing my mom be without, truly without, the man she had loved and stood by for over 50 years was unbearable. Waves of pain and emotion crashed down as a tidal wave as I saw her plead through tear-filled eyes "Jerry, don't leave me. You can't leave yet. You're supposed to wait for me; we're supposed to go together." It was so hard in that moment to understand why God would give us someone to love only to take them away. My mom left without her other half after a lifetime of having him. Why would the goal of marriage be to be united into one, only to be ripped apart. Right now it was my mom and dad - one day it will be me and Nathan.

The time after that kind of blurs together. Nathan got there and his hug was exactly what I needed. My knees gave in and I sobbed on the hospital floor, his arms encased around me. Lonnie came in and cried on his dad's shoulder. That was really hard for me too. I remember getting really angry at Marissah, my sister, for not being there. How could she? I was SO mad. Everything after that was a blur. Mrs. Simpson, my Titus 2:4 woman, showed up and I was SO touched that she came. She always knows what to say to make me feel better and even just having her there was comforting. Later, Todd, the pastor who married us. came in and I was surprised with joy that he came out for me (I had only known him now for a matter of months, so I was really touched). O and I remember eating Ranch Doritos with Grace's sisters, Rachel and Leah, who had also come out, which was seriously awesome.

The next few days ran together with my heart bleeding at each memory, each realization that he wasn't coming back. I depended very much on Nathan the 1st few days after and he rose to the challenge like the hero he has always been to me. I clung to Jesus heavily during those first few weeks. And I still do. There have been so many times that I've missed my dad this past year. I want to just smell his head again (may sound weird, but that was my favorite spot), or kiss his cheek. Just to hear his voice. . .